walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
