she is unbelievable! ever pee on a girl?
not while she was awake
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
