Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
