I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Randomize
