he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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