She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
