We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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