im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
They want me to get them some X for there wedding present. I'm on the way to get it now
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Randomize
