i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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