The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
ttyl tear gas
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Randomize
