I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
