When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
