and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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