My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
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