my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Just role played anchorman. And yes, I did take her to pleasure town.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
