Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
