I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
Randomize
