every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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