im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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