she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
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