I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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