So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
he had a blacklight sublime poster, of course i had to do him.
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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