sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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