it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
whose parrot is this?
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
