your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
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