the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
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