I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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