I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
