I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
