I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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