This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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