I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
