Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
He kept asking for nudes so I sent him a picture another guys dick. He called me ruthless.
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
