i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
