all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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