I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
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