The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Randomize
