my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
