How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
he's had a change of heart. and besides, we could use a laugh.
oh, well, if you all need a good laugh, by all means endanger my life.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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