Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
