My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
we thought it would be safer to lock you in the car alone downtown than take you back home to pass out
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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