you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
By the way, anytime you want to go toe to toe on Doggystyle lyrics just let me know!
Who is this? Did we just become best friends?!
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
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