I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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