two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
