I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
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The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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