my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
He told me that if I were a guy he'd go gay for me. Honestly don't know how to take that.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
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