the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
