when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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