God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Randomize
