We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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