Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I'm going to ride your dick until it falls off. That horny.
I'm equal parts terrified and turned on. Come over.
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
