He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
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Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
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He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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