Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Randomize
