My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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